Former Abu Graib detainee sues for back-bombings (satire)
In what I’m taking to be a satirical interview, a former Abu Ghraib detainee discusses the hell that was his time there:
Former Abu Ghraib detainee Mouayad Yasin Hassan has come forward recently to talk about his time in that controversial prison. Hassan was captured in Baghdad in 2004 and declared an “enemy combatant” by U.S. forces. Hassan claims that he was not able to contact a lawyer, assemble bombs or continue killing infidels for the entire year and a half of his imprisonment.
“It was horrible,” recalled a tearful Hassan. “The televisions in that hellhole only received basic cable, plus they were not of the flat-screen variety. What’s worse, they replayed a program called The View over and over and over. Why does that large woman feel the need to break into show-tunes at every opportunity?” Lawyers for Hassan plan to sue the United States government over the ordeal.
“You just can’t get that time back,” said Hassan’s ACLU-appointed attorney Drab Futar. “We will be suing for back-bombings, inability to inflict pain and suffering and loss of employment. Mr. Hassan’s former organization could not hold his position open, so now he is in quite a bind. How do you explain away that eighteen-month gap on his resume? It’s very difficult.”
(H/T Nose on Your Face)
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