Scrappleface: Pres. Bush offers journalistic stimulus package
According to Scrappleface (a satire site), as The New York Times advertising revenues drop, and editorial staff are looking at lay-offs, Pres. Bush has weighed in and has called for Congress to produce a “journalistic stimulus package” in an effort to prop up The Grey Lady.
Similar to the president’s economic stimulus package which rescued capitalism from itself, the journalistic stimulus package would protect New York Times readers from editorial instability, while ensuring full employment for reporters and editors whose product is no longer in demand.
(snip)
Meanwhile, New York Times reporters and editors would get the following incentives aimed at increasing the value of their product, to inspire more subscriptions and to boost ad rates.
- 90-percent reduction of cleverly-veiled bias in news stories
- 120-day moratorium on unnamed sources who disparage people who have names
- Immediate halt to public revelation of national security secrets
- Strict rationing of adjectives and adverbs
- Creation of an entirely new category of factual news story, to be called “good news”
- Quadrupling “positive” coverage of efforts by U.S. troops to bring security and comfort to former victims of tyranny. Such stories shall now comprise at least one percent of the daily “news budget”
Hell, I’d pay a couple bucks more in my taxes to see even half of those changes made.
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